British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Just grow your own
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…