[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.