cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
That’s easy for you to say
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!