at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
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I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.