Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.