In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
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I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Salad is the decaf of food.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt