Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
thanks auntie mary
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?