[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.