Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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*feels the wind in my toe hair
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …