I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
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Feel. He’s so soft.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.