#ParentingFacts
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.