Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
You Might Also Like
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
me, too, girl. me, too.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think