Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My work here is don’t.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.