I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit