Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
asked my bf how work was today
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van