i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers