I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win