As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
You Might Also Like
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Can. I. Help. You.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Looking at you, Jesus.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
You have been warned.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.