I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
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*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*