I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”