“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Kids: Stay in school.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
This is a true ally.