my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
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Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I’m sure it’s fine.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.