An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
When you’re here for the treats.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!