Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
You Might Also Like
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
All. The. Damn. Time.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
These 3D printers are insane!
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT