If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
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Draw me like one of your French Fries.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.