Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
You Might Also Like
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude