I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.