In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
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[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.