I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
#oldknees
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?