Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool