Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
fourth time’s the charm