Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
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My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet