To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
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Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
😩😩😩
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”