There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.