Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
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Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
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ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
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ME: No, I don’t need that many.
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
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2. God.
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