I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
the three branches of government
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
A ghost story
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band