Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
lmao
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*