When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
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[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.