“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
You Might Also Like
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Check your privilege
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??