Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
This is so me 😂😂
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.