People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.