At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
You Might Also Like
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”