H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.