If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
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Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”