[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.