According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
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Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
So that’s what we looked like?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.