My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
How to woo a woman
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER