Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Watermelon Boss!
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me