just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.