The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My dog learned how to text
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.